The Healthier Way to Deal with Fear

In a matter of days, I turn that glorious age of 26. My birthday doesn’t usually mean much: we rarely do anything special as a family, it’s unlikely I see my friends, and in the grand scheme of things, it’s usually just a day. In fact, my 21st birthday was spent taking a five hour drive to my grandmother’s and having dinner at Wendy’s. But 26 is special for one reason, and one reason alone— it’s the cutoff for staying on my parent’s health insurance. I knew well in advance that finding my own health insurance was going to be a necessary goal for this summer, and that it would certainly be an adjustment when it came to budgeting, but truth be told, I had no idea just how much one simple thing would snowball me into a complete mess.

The Snowball Effect

So, summer begins as I begin the search for health insurance. It’d make sense to get it through work— that’s probably the easiest and most cost-effective way to do it. But, since I’m in school over the fall and student teaching in the spring, I’ll be dropping my hours to part time again, and it’s not really an option. With that off the table, the next option is search through the government. Already, I’m hating the idea of going through the government to get health insurance, but at least they have options: starting at $420 a month (and that’s the cheapest, most lack-luster plan). I go back to my parents and see if there’s any way to stay on their insurance. Turns out, there is, but with top of the line, state employee insurance, that premium is almost $1,000 dollars a month. Somehow, the government is looking like the best option.

But health insurance is the tip of the iceberg. As I mentioned earlier, classes begin again in the fall, and beyond that: student teaching. That means one final semester before I’m thrown into the greatest hurdle before earning my degree. I’ve got a lot of ducks to get in a row before that: final classes and research projects, field hours, different tests and workshops, actually finding placements… it’s a lot to consider. I find myself wondering if I’ve really learned enough, whether I’ll be competent enough to teach in my own classroom. On top of that, I’m going to have to consider what it’s like not having my current job to support me for several months. I’m trying to be extremely conscious of what I’m saving and spending— and when you’ve got health and car insurance, tuition, work on your car you need done, it makes it very hard to save.

Truth be told, I’ve struggled the past month or two with all sorts of worries from all corners of my life. Work has been very stressful the past couple weeks. Money, again, has been a big concern as I try to plan out how I’ll pay for current and future expenses. Car work and getting everything from brakes to tires replaced, a computer that keeps shutting down with technical difficulties. Girls and crushes and all the anxieties that brings. Doubts and fears about student teaching. What happens when I do graduate, and what comes next.

And to think, all of that started with me having to buy health insurance.

Being in the Wrong Headspace

I often have a lot of expectations for summer (at least in part because deep down I’m still a kid). And to say that dealing with all of the above wasn’t on my agenda… is an understatement. I want to spend summer doing things with my friends and family. I want to recoup from the stress of college and the school year before diving back in again in a couple weeks. I want to focus on enjoying the warm weather and relax a little. And yet, I’ve preoccupied so much of my summer with stress I’ve almost given up on it and felt ready to move onto fall. And it’s not like things are going poorly in my life— everything I wrote about in my last post about having a near perfect life… deep down that’s all still true. I’ve just been so on edge, so taken up with anxiety and fear that I haven’t been able to enjoy any of it.

Now, a lot of it does come down to mindset, sure. And in theory, I’m usually pretty good about having a positive mindset and attitude. I’ve dealt with worries and anxiety and fear before— I’ve even written blogs about it, several times. So, while you would think it’d be easy enough to remember and implement some of the stuff I’ve learned over the almost 26 years of being alive, it isn’t always. I’ll admit I’ve been all over the place. I’ve felt both busy and lonely. I’ve felt overwhelmed and like I’m not doing enough. I’ve felt on edge and spaced out. I’ve felt— I feel, — nervous and afraid.

If we’re being completely honest (and as someone who doesn’t normally hold back when writing, I almost don’t want to admit it), one day it all got to me and I exploded. I trashed my room, shouted obscenities, and punched the wall. And I’m embarrassed by it. Horrified of it. For whatever reason, I couldn’t handle it all. As a teacher, it’s the kind of behavior that makes you immediately call the office. And yet, here I was. I felt so ashamed— and still do— to let myself break like that. I forgot any sort of coping strategy I would use with my kids, or any lesson I’d been taught on letting go of what you can’t control. I was a rage. I let the fear win.

Again, I almost didn’t write that last paragraph because, well, it’s not part of me I want anyone to ever see. It’s not something I want to see in myself either. It’s me losing control. Losing focus. Losing hope. And it manifests in many, many ways. Driving to work and just wishing the day was over before even getting out of the car. Checking your bank account twice a day, even when you know you will make it by. Holding back from others because you’re scared of being vulnerable. Feeling sorry for yourself while the sun is still shining, worrying about fears that have not yet come, wasting your days yet wishing you were doing more. All of this, is exactly where I’ve been this summer. And all of it, is not where I’m meant to be.

Trust

There is a wrong place of mind. Clearly, I’ve demonstrated that; I still live it, even. But there is something better, something else out there, something that takes all of that other stuff and transforms it.

I cannot always control whatever circumstances hit me, but I can control how I respond to them. I had to realize that a lot of my anxiety comes from fear, and, for me, a lot of fear comes from my lack of confidence. It seems to be a recurring theme in my life; I’ve probably written about confidence in my blogs more than anything else. Throughout my life, I’ve gone through trials where I’ve prayed for confidence, had opportunities to grow my confidence, and slowly gain confidence. So naturally I came to believe I needed to do the same here too. And so, I knew I needed to pray about it. I had to start that process, trying to pray, trying to gain the confidence that I’d make it through all these hurdles and fears that have been plaguing me this summer.

Only, it wasn’t happening. The confidence wasn’t coming. In retrospect, I don’t think confidence is something you can just be zapped with and be all hunky-dory afterward. But still, I wasn’t feeling any better. And the thing is, I’ve made it through a lot worse than this. I kept praying, kept trying to believe that I would gain the confidence I thought I needed. But I didn’t. For some reason, I knew I didn’t have it in me. Instead, I was pointed to something greater, something I hadn’t considered and that truly shocked me when I first felt it. All I felt, was something saying, “You don’t need confidence. You need to trust me.”

While striving for confidence in myself, I’d forgotten the key element behind it all: trust. I didn’t have to rely on myself, I didn’t have to be overwhelmed by money problems or fear over student teaching or work or girls or any of that. I just needed to trust that I would make it through it all. On the surface, confidence and trust may not seem so different. But while confidence has helped me over the years to overcome my fears, trust has been the backbone that got me there. Confidence is the faith things will work out; trust is the faith things will work out even when they do not appear to. Confidence is the hope that all goes well; trust is the assurance that regardless of circumstances, all is right. Confidence is the faith that I can do it. Trust is the revelation that I don’t need to.

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. You trust in God. Trust in me also." -John 14:1

A Fresh Perspective

Many times, when I write a post like this, and it comes at the end of some great revelation like this, I feel as though I’m already putting the pieces together and trying to live it (or at least, maybe it comes across that way). Like I’m automatically transformed and can just let everything go. That’s not the case with this post. This is me being honest and saying, I’m trying. I’m trying really hard and I know what I have to do. But I’m not there yet. I’m just starting, trying to trust that all will work out. The thing is, I’m scared of health insurance because I’ve never done it before. I’ve been annoyed at work and stressed, but I’m sad because in a couple weeks I won’t have my kids or my co-teachers or classroom. I’m scared of student teaching because I’m not quite ready to make the jump yet; I’m anxious about girls because I’m not confident in myself; I’m nervous about money because, well, everyone is.

It's okay to not always have the right mindset. It’s okay to be down, it’s okay to be nervous. It’s okay to not be confident in yourself, or not know how everything will play out. But it’s important to have trust that you’ll be okay. You have people looking out for you. You have plenty of summer still to enjoy. You’ve made it through worse, and you’ll make it through this too. You’ve got God looking out for you.

25 years have been built on me trying to have the confidence that I’ll make it through. But maybe, 26 has a different lesson for me. The lesson isn’t about me. It’s on trusting something much greater. Even when you have no confidence, no hope, no direction or no idea where you’re going or how you’ll make it there… trust. Trust always.